YES YES YES – touch me NOW! – at the Hanoi Spa

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Back to the spa…

In Hanoi they really do have incredibly great spas and I have been going to a fabulous one.

The price is around 350,000 dong which equates to $15 or for the English speakers out there, 11 Quid.

Not bad for one and a half hours of full on ecstasy.

The girls keep their clothes on and the focus is on total relaxation. This is proper!

Initially you lower yourself into what can best be described as a beer barrel filled with hot water. They add a herbal mixture and you sit, totally immersed – but they do allow your head to remain above water.. just about – so that you can tilt it backwards and drink a concoction of vile herbal tea.

The only thing that rocked my equilibrium was the other males wandering around naked.

These Asian men love to have their meat and 2 Vegetables on show at any possible opportunity, I must be the only one in shorts. They have no concept of personal space… So I look away from some blokes ass ,only to see a set of hairy ba//s literally in my face as another one lowers himself into a hot tub.!

I reflect that its a good thing I had my mouth closed.

On to the jacuzzi where the staff scrub your body down to remove dry skin, into the steam sauna, the dry sauna, shower and a robe… total relaxation – and this is merely the prelude to the massage.

“I love you” says the masseuse as she enters the room.

She immediately runs her fingers through my chest hair. In these parts the only hair the men seem to have is on their heads, so to see a chest is apparently a novelty. She gives me a thumbs up.

She cant speak English aside from “ I love you” How can a word that every human wishes to hear become so cheap and annoying. So meaningless.

Amazing touch, I never knew a massage can be this good.

She is all over the shop. Up on the table, she walks on me, a little stroll from my feet to the top of my torso, a little thumping, sitting on my back, stroking, hands move over my head gently stimulating my scalp… and there is more…she covers me in a hot towel, cleans me. dries me, leaves me to rest alone…

Following the joy that is the massage I’m led to a little restaurant where chill-out music plays. There is a complimentary buffet of fresh fruit, healthy ‘pond water’ nasty herbal drinks – all for next to nothing.

I feel relaxed both physically and mentally.

I return the following day, and the next day, in fact I purchase a deal of 12 visits! On my final visit I can’t find the card at home. The card which they stamp is a rite of passage. No card no ‘in’, still I think they know me by now…

How wrong I was. I was denied access to my final treatment but that’s OK. I’m so chilled now after the last eleven that I simply could not even care.